Our First Blog Entry
Our First Blog Entry
Marley talks about jealousy!
Finally, the start of my first "Higher Love" Blog!
Jealous "feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship"
The word that was one of my biggest enemies and was holding me back in finding myself, my sexuality, my wants, my needs, my desires, my "Higher Love"!
Jealousy was the copilot of my mind! I knew where my jealousy and with that mistrust issues stemmed from but I had no idea how to kick it..
Going through a mentally abusive marriage and being cheated on over and over again initiated my jealousy and mistrust. I knew I was not like that before i married my ex, I actually was pretty open, easy going and adventurous in my relationships and didn't take anything too serious. But I guess when you're put down by your partner, you're told you are fat, dumb and way too much like your mother, that has a huge negative impact on your self worth and self esteem, physically and mentally. I know now, that jealousy, mistrust, low self worth and low self esteem go hand in hand! I did not know that then though, all I wanted to do while going through this nightmare of a marriage was go into hiding mode. When I found out he did not only mistreat me but also cheated, and that already for years without me having the slightest clue...things really spiralled down...! People say, get rid of him, it's not worth it, you deserve better! It takes a long time to convince yourself that the life you are living is not normal, that it's not the norm in every relationship, that you deserve better and that there is guys out there that treat their woman with respect! I did not see that at the time! Having been in a toxic relationship like that has brought a lot of insecurities out in me and with that jealousy issues!
When I finally cut the cord and got separated I had a lot of resentment against men in general. It kinda felt like pay-back time! Lots of partying and one night stands...it helped me believe in myself again, I felt wanted and desired and took full advantage of it. But in the long run I realized that it was just a band aid, I wanted a loving committed relationship with a man that wanted ME!
JJ and I knew each other for years as friends but I had no idea he was going through a rough time professionally and with his marriage. We ran into each other and confined in each other! Oh yes we did! We fell in love and our relationship was so different to anything else that I had ever experienced. We were just meant to be with each other and that's when my fears started to kick in again! My fears of loosing him, my fears of him maybe running into another woman, younger, slimmer, sexier then me. For a while I was pretty much on alert, I had no reason at all to mistrust him, he kept reassuring me that there was nothing to worry about, that I am the love of his life...period! I realized that he was right, our relationship got deeper and tighter then I could have ever dreamed possible.
Then one day, he started talking to me about swinging....at first he was just telling me about his swinging experience in his previous marriage, how that came about and what exactly went down. You all can probably imagine that I was shocked!
The first thought that came to my mind was...here we go again, he is not happy and full filled in our relationship, what we have is not enough, I am not enough!
As you all know, somehow I overcame all my fears and self doubts! Jealousy is obviously not the copilot of my mind anymore...find out how I did it! You can too!
To be continued! Please go to our contact us page and send us your feedback on our blog, podcast or tell us about your experience with jealousy, how you kicked it or what your struggles are. We will send you email updates on new podcast episodes as well as new blogs and keep you up to date on what's going on in Marley and JJ's world!